Today I didn't want to "Mom"

Today was a hard day. Today I didn't want to "Mom".

Today my heart ached for having to leave Jordan for another 3 months. Spending just 3 days with him wasn't long enough. I'm sad. I saw the anxiousness in his eyes, his worry of the unknown (even though he denies it). I felt anxious and worried with him. My kids don't understand that what their hearts feel, my heart feels too. It was too much for me this time. I don't want to do this.

Today the thought of my 2 kids sitting in China another night without parents to tuck them in burdened my heart. Today was the youngest's birthday! He turned 6. Did he have a special day? Most likely not. I want him to feel the love of a family. I want Teagan to feel loved too. They are my kids, no matter if I have met them yet or not. The weight of them being so far away, distance as well as time, was too much. I am overwhelmed with what it is going to take to get them home. The money...how will we come up with the money we need in time? The red tape. The waiting...will they wait too long? It's scary and overwhelming. I don't think I can do this.

I lay in bed not wanting to get up. If I sleep I won't have to feel. But the kids that I have at home need help with homework, need lunch made for them, Jewel needs tube-fed. But I don't want to "Mom" today.

Then from nowhere, this song comes to my head. I haven't heard it in months but I hear the words now..

... Though I'm silent, my heart is crying. Because I was made to come to you! So I Pray. God I need you more than words can say. Right here in this moment... You know my heart, you know my need, you know every part of me. So even it's just to speak Your Name, I'm gonna Pray...



So I prayed. I prayed for my kids, ALL of them. I prayed for comfort, and peace, and strength for myself.

Then I got a text from a friend I haven't talked to in a while. She was asking about our adoption so I was telling her we are adopting 2 this time. I told her, "We're crazy, I know" Her reply... "Not crazy, but called by The Lord to do what others can't". It was just the reminder that I needed. This adoption is all for God's Glory. I'm living my life for HIM. Sometimes I don't want to do it and sometimes I think I can't do it. But I do feel like adopting is God's calling on our lives, and with Him I can do it!! And I know God is watching over Jordan. He loves him more than I do, just as my mom has always said ;-) Yes indeed God gives us more than we can handle, because He wants us to ask for His help. To lean on Him and not try to do it ourselves. HE is my rock...

So I will continue to "Mom" to the best of my ability, in Christ <3